


Gratitude

by obsessiveninja



Series: Pokeshipping Week 2016 [2]
Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, I'm actually not sorry, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-28 13:36:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8447965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessiveninja/pseuds/obsessiveninja
Summary: Pokeshipping Week 2016, Day 2: If Tracey Never Joined. Ash learns that impulse decisions are bad, and to never take the people in his life for granted.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The only thing I'm going to apologise for is the timing. I realise the pokeshipping fandom is in need of some cheering up at the moment, and this isn't going to help. I started writing this weeks before The Kiss happened. But other than that, I'm really not sorry ;) Tracey is important.

_November 1_ _st_ _, 2004_

Ash was in the middle of his lunch when the trainer arrived. She was a girl, although he couldn't really tell at first, around his age, with a mop of short, messy green hair and big baggy clothes. She'd brought in her Altaria to tutor, and it looked like she'd been with him for a while.

"It shouldn't take long," Wilma, his elderly mentor, told the trainer, "I'm sure Ash and I will have your Altaria learn Draco Meteor in no time. Why don't you come back in two days?"

"Are you sure you don't need me to stay here?" the girl asked, her eyes flicking multiple times in Ash's direction.

"There's no need!" Ash smiled, "Wilma's been tutoring dragon-types for years, so she knows what she's doing."

"Besides," Wilma added, "Daybreak Town isn't too far from here. I'm sure the rest of your team would really benefit from the journey there."

"Okay," she breathed, but she didn't look too happy about it.

"Angie, is it?" Wilma asked, and the girl nodded. "We'll make sure we keep your Altaria well fed and in tip-top shape."

Angie gave them a weak smile. "Well, I guess there's no reason for me to stay, then." She turned to face her Altaria. "I'll be back before you know it. Do your best for me, okay?"

"Taria," he cooed.

"Thank you, Wilma," she bowed. She moved to look towards Ash, not quite meeting his eyes. "And you, Ash."

It wasn't until after Angie was out of sight that Wilma decided to speak up.

"Are you sure you didn't want her to stay?"

"Huh?"

"Well, it seemed to me like she didn't really want to leave."

Ash shook his head. "Her Altaria will be fine. She'll be back with him soon enough."

Wilma chuckled. "Of course, but that's not what I meant."

"Then …" Ash scratched his temple, "What did you mean?"

"Well, it looked like she'd taken a liking to you, and she wanted to get to know you a little more."

"… Oh." Ash's face fell, and he suddenly found himself unable to look directly at Wilma.

"But you're not interested, are you?"

"No … not really."

"Surprising," Wilma mused. "A young man of your age is usually pretty excited at the prospect of a young girl paying attention to them."

Ash shrugged, not really up to saying anything more.

"Or is there someone else?"

The question made Ash's shoulders slump even further. "No. There's no one."

* * *

 _January 22_ _nd_ _, 1999_

Ash had been ready to sleep a long time ago, but various thoughts were keeping him awake at night. He was excited to travel around the Orange Islands and experience all these new places. Sure, it would've been nicer if Brock could be around, but he understood that the older boy wanted to stay behind, and he wasn't going to hold him back. He supposed Professor Ivy needed Brock more than he and Misty did. Ash would just have to deal with Misty alone for a while. She could probably cook, since she was a girl, and that was all they needed.

' _Lovebirds,'_ Meowth's voice rang in his head, and Ash frowned. Who was he kidding – travelling alone with Misty wasn't going to be fun at all, and not for the reasons he expected. Sure, she was angry and yelled at him a lot, but he was more concerned about the other nicer side of her that made him sick in the stomach, so it probably wasn't that nice after all. More and more he was starting to think outrageous thoughts about how she had a nice face or how her hair smelt nice, and he hated it. He hated wasting time thinking about unnecessary things. How was any of that important anyway? Misty being pretty had nothing to do with him becoming a pokémon master.

Not that she _was_ pretty. She had a nice face and nice smelling hair but she wasn't pretty.

"I can hear you thinking from all the way here, you know," Misty murmured, indicating that she wasn't quite as fast asleep as he thought she was.

"How can you hear a person think?" Ash grunted, "That's just stupid."

"I can hear _you_ think." Misty raised herself so she was leaning her head on her elbow. "Your brain makes a sizzling noise, like it's frying."

"Har har."

"So what are you thinking about?"

Ash suddenly found himself unable to look at her, his face feeling very hot. "The GS Ball. I wonder what's in it."

There was a long enough period of silence that Ash had to turn and look at Misty, and she looked like she very much didn't believe him.

"I'm going back to sleep," she finally said. "I'm tired. We've had a long day."

"Then why did you start talking to me?"

"Because I thought it'd be nice!" Misty rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Stop bothering me."

Ash was too tired to tell her that _she_ was the one who should stop bothering him. And anyway, he secretly appreciated it. Somehow, speaking to her had managed to take his mind off of her. Now he felt like he could sleep in peace.

"Goodnight, Ash," Misty whispered, not soft enough that Ash wouldn't hear.

"Goodnight, Misty," he murmured in return. "Sweet dreams."

It was fine. He could sleep later.

* * *

 _November 1_ _st_ _, 2004_

"Unh! Gabite … let go!"

Ash grit his teeth as he felt the tips of Gabite's maw dig into his skull – thankfully the pokémon had enough sense not to use his teeth. Ash's hat had already been ripped to shreds a year ago, mere months after having befriended the dragon-type as a Gible.

Thankfully it wasn't his favourite hat.

"Hey!" he tried again, "If you get off me, I'll get you some nice grub."

That seemed to get Gabite's attention. He finally let go of Ash's head and trudged off towards Wilma's cabin, leaving Ash with a small smile on his face.

"You could just catch him, you know," Wilma said, not unkindly, as Ash and Gabite finally made their way back inside.

"Don't have anything to catch him with," Ash replied easily. He'd been asked this question many times before, in various situations.

"Hmm. Well, you boys want lunch, don't you?"

Both Ash and Gabite's stomachs let out loud roars right in sync, causing Wilma to laugh heartily.

"Alright, Gabite," Wilma handed him a large hondew berry, "You can have this one until I get the pokechow out. Altaria's already finished eating."

"Gab!"

"And your lunch is on the table," Wilma said, turning to Ash, "As always."

Ash was in the kitchen before Wilma could finish her sentence. If there was one thing that hadn't changed about him over the years, it was his appetite. It had posed a problem for him all the time he was travelling alone and low on funds, but it somehow never died down even when he didn't encourage it.

"So how's Altaria going?" he asked, mouth full, once Wilma had taken her seat across from him.

"She's learning faster than I expected. You did well with her this morning." Wilma chuckled. "I think she actually likes working with you better."

"Well I was the first one to help out. I'm sure if it'd been you –"

Wilma shook her head. "I think you underestimate how good you are with pokémon, Ash."

Ash flushed instantly, rubbing his nose. "I-I don't know about that …"

"You are." Wilma nodded firmly. "You're much more talented than you think you are. Sometimes I wonder why you let yourself be cooped up here."

Ash furrowed his brow. "What does that mean?"

"Well, how come you aren't trying for the Sinnoh League?" Ash immediately looked away, not wanting to continue this conversation anymore, but Wilma kept going. "Most kids your age are trying for it. I think you would make a great trainer."

"I don't think so," Ash said quickly. His mind quickly flicked to Pikachu, but he brushed the memories off almost immediately as they came.

"I think so. Have you thought about trying it out?"

Ash laughed, though half-heartedly. "It almost seems like you're trying to get rid of me."

"No, not at all!" Wilma waved the comment away. "You've been a big help, it's lovely to have you here. I'm just concerned, is all."

"You don't have to worry about me," Ash assured her, but his smile didn't quite reach his eyes, and he was aware of that. He hoped Wilma wouldn't notice.

But she did. She pursed her lips. "I think you do want to compete, but something's holding you back, isn't it? What is it?"

Ash refused to answer her. He stared blankly down at his face, focusing on levelling his breath. Tears were threatening to spill out of his eyes, and he pleaded with whatever god responsible to _not_ let him break down, just this once. Not in front of Wilma.

"You don't have to speak to me about it if you don't want to," she said, not unkindly. She rose from her seat. "How about I give you the evening off? I'm okay with taking care of Altaria today."

Normally Ash would've protested, saying he was more than able to handle it. But right now he didn't feel ready to be around anyone other than himself.

"Thank you," he said shakily, and she smiled, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry about it. Remember to rinse your plate when you're done, okay?"

Ash answered her with a watery smile. "Thank you again," he said, but she was already gone.

* * *

 _July 17_ _th_ _, 1999_

Ash had no clue where he was. Not only did all of the trees in the forest in front of him look the same, they were also a kind he'd never seen before. He must've taken a wrong turn somewhere or the other, because this clearly wasn't Vermillion City. Was he supposed to take a right from Pallet Town, or a left? If Vermillion City was east, then …

But wait. He was travelling from the Orange Islands, so wasn't it the other way around? Because if the islands were south of Pallet, and he was travelling towards it …

Ash groaned and sat down on the sand. Trust him to travel without packing a map or a compass. Trust him to get himself lost again.

Behind him, Lapras cooed, and he quickly shifted to his hands and knees to crawl towards her.

"Hey," he whispered, rubbing the water-type up and down her neck, "It's okay. I just did something really stupid."

 _That's not unusual_ , Misty's voice said in his head, and Ash's lower lip quivered.

"I-I'll work it out," he whispered again, even softer this time because he didn't trust himself to speak properly. "I'll get you b-back to your family soon, o-okay?"

Lapras tilted her head in … confusion? Concern? Ash wasn't sure. His cheeks felt wet and he wasn't sure if it was from the tears or the ocean spray; he buried his face into Lapras' neck so he didn't have to worry about it either way.

"What have I done?" he choked out, and Lapras, probably sensing his pain, craned downwards to nuzzle the top of his head. He thought about all the people would probably be worried about him right now, and immediately felt sick. Like he hadn't given them enough to worry about already. He hadn't even thought about that until now.

He didn't think. He never _thought_.

"I'm scared," he said aloud. To Lapras or to himself, he wasn't sure anymore. It wasn't like there was anyone else around on this beach anyway.

Or so he thought. The sound of fire blowing into … whatever it was that hot air balloons were made of was unmistakeable. Ash scowled up at the large Meowth shaped balloon in the sky.

"Get lost!" Ash yelled up at them. "Pikachu's not here, so you don't have any reason to stick around!" They didn't respond, so Ash yelled up, "And you're not getting Lapras either!"

Still no response. Ash watched with growing contempt as the balloon slowly descended until it had landed right in front of him, the material somehow falling around its passengers instead of on top of them.

Team Rocket had always been too lucky for their own good.

"What do you three want?" Ash huffed, as James stuck a leg out of the basket. He felt a little bad for snapping at them, since they hadn't exactly been 'bad guys' the last time they'd crossed paths – not too long ago, now that he thought about it – but he couldn't help himself. He had a lot of pent up frustration he needed to let out.

"Don't include me in this," Jessie snapped. "It wasn't my idea."

"Jessie," James hissed, and Meowth cut in before either of them could stat arguing.

"We was just worried about ya, twerp."

"We saw what happened back there," James added.

Ash clenched his fists. "Of course you did. You were right there."

"Cut that attitude," Jessie snapped, "We're trying to help."

"Jessie, please," James pleaded, and then turned back to Ash. "That's not what we meant."

"Are you okay?" Meowth asked.

"How does it even matter to you?" Ash spat out, but as soon as he saw James kneel down in front of him, he couldn't take it anymore. He broke into a sob, grasping for knees and pulling them close enough for him to bury his face into. It was embarrassing, knowing Team Rocket was there to see him, but he couldn't stop himself.

He felt a light hand on his shoulder. He tilted his head just enough to see James looking sympathetically at him. A small part of Ash wanted to push him away – he didn't want anyone's pity. He didn't _deserve_ anyone's pity. But for the first time in Ash's life he felt so stupid, so small, so vulnerable. He pushed into James' chest and cried into his shoulder. He heard footsteps moving towards them, and Jessie mutter, "Now look what you got us into," but he didn't care. Soon, all three pairs of arms had wrapped themselves around him, and Ash cried even harder.

He had too many other things to deal with right now.

"I want my mom," he finally croaked out, moving enough so that his voice wasn't muffled by James' shirt.

"Um," James started, and Ash felt a gloved hand awkwardly pat him on the head.

"We can take you back," Jessie said, her voice much gentler now. "I'm sure she's back in Pallet Town by now."

Ash thought about that – his mother back home, all by herself. It made him feel rotten – she was the only family he had, and now he couldn't even bring himself to look at her. He loved her dearly. He never told her that enough.

Why didn't he tell her that enough?

Ash shook his head furiously. He couldn't face her, not now. He was a bad person, and she was better off without him.

"I can't," Ash said quietly. He shook his head more vigorously this time, and pulled away from the trio. "Do you know where the nearest town is?"

Jessie and James glanced at each other, and then down at Meowth.

"Cherrygrove City," Meowth replied, "But why do ya ask?"

"Just point me in the right direction," Ash grunted, getting to his feet. "Can I get there on Lapras?"

"Twerp …" Jessie started, and then hesitated. "Are you … running away?"

"You got a problem with that?"

"But what about ya mom?" Meowth asked.

"I can't really talk to her right now."

"Nonsense!" Jessie gasped. "We've been following you around for two years now, and your mother is still the nicest person we've met so far"

Ash gave her a small smile. "I know."

"Then –"

"Let him go," James said firmly. All three of them looked towards him as he stood up, brushing the sand off of his shins and arms.

"What? Why?"

James ignored Jessie. "Listen, twerp, you do what you feel you have to do. But you have to promise us you'll take care of yourself, alright?"

Ash blinked. "R-right." He wasn't accustomed to this kind of behaviour from the man.

Jessie frowned, looking between the two of them, before striding towards the hot air balloon and running back with a few odd trinkets in her hands.

"Here," Jessie said, shoving them into Ash's hands. Ash looked down to find a wad of cash, a credit card and some beef jerky. "What, you thought you could get by without money and food?"

"But Jessie," Meowth complained, "That's all the dough we got!"

"Shh."

"But," Ash started, sifting through the wad of cash. It was probably only a hundred pokédollars, tops. "I've already got some money saved up in the bank."

Jessie shook her head. "That's your _trainer_ account. And it's supervised by your mother. She's going to know exactly where you are and what purchases you're making at any given time. You think she won't be checking up on that when she's trying to find you?"

 _Oh._ It suddenly occurred to Ash how little he'd thought through any of this. It had been an impulse decision, and he had hardly packed any supplies – not even any food! He was just going to rely on lodging at pokémon centres, and buy clothes and food if he needed it. Maybe catch a few pokémon, earn some badges. But now that he thought about it, nearly all of those things would alert Professor Oak – and by extension, his mother – to where he was if he was going to rely on his trainer account and pokédex like he'd originally planned. He would've figured that out eventually, and then what? He would've been stranded with nowhere to go and nothing to do.

If it wasn't for Team Rocket, he wouldn't have survived.

"Thank you," he breathed, offering all three of them the most genuine smile he could offer. "Thank you all so much."

* * *

 _November 2_ _nd_ _, 2004_

"Wilma!" Ash heaved, bursting through the door, pulling a large yellow pokémon through. "I think this pokémon is seriously injured!"

"An electivire!" Wilma rose to her feet at a speed no one could expect from a woman her age. Ash grit his teeth as the pokémon – the electivire – released some more bolts from his body, shocking Ash in the process. The shock was greater than Ash was used to, but he'd still managed to cope.

"Lie it down on the sofa," Wilma ordered him, and Ash did as she said. As she leaned over the large pokémon, Ash noted its swollen eyes. Wilma suddenly jumped.

"It's hot! It has a fever!" She placed a hand on his shoulder. "Ash, could you get me the medicine from my cupboard, please? Top shelf, in a box on the right."

Ash nodded and wordlessly made his way to Wilma's bedroom, careful not to touch anything other than what he was asked to. It wasn't weird now that he'd been living with her for a year and a half, but Wilma always treated him like a colleague more than as family.

As he found the medicine she asked for, he wondered if electivire had anything to do with the electabuzz found back in Kanto. As far as he was aware electabuzz only had a pre-evolution, but maybe in Sinnoh things were different. He was a long, long way from home, after all …

"Thank you," Wilma nodded, accepting the medicine from him. "It seems Electivire has too much electricity built up in his body that he can't get out. The medicine is fine, but I'm going to need some oran berries too." She straightened up frowning. "And I don't think I have any around."

"They're in the forest nearby, right?" Ash gestured at the window behind them, already itching to move. "I can get them."

"Absolutely not." Wilma frowned at him. "Do you not remember how we first met?"

Of course he did. Ash hadn't been able to find work or lodge in Canalave City, or any of the towns on the way, so he decided to brave Route 210 without any pokémon who could clear the fog. He'd gotten himself so lost he couldn't tell left from right, and on top of that he'd angered a family of Machoke. He'd never have gotten out of there alive if Wilma hadn't found him.

"I can still handle it?" he tried weakly. But Wilma was having none of it.

"I'll go. I have a sense of direction, unlike you."

"But –"

Wilma smiled. "I'll be fine. Look after Electivire, alright? Make sure you keep the cloth on his head cool."

There was no arguing with her, and she was out of the house before he knew it. Ash felt bad for sending the old woman out all alone, but she'd been looking after herself for years before he came along. He tried not to worry about her; instead busying himself with making sure Electivire's temperature didn't go too high. Everything Ash knew about pokémon medicine was self-taught – he hadn't been to a pokémon centre in years, so he'd had to rely on whatever he could get from a pharmacy. He'd constantly ask himself, 'What would Brock do?' and then realise he never had a clue what Brock did.

More and more, he wished he had better appreciated the friends he had around him.

* * *

 _March 28_ _th_ _, 1999_

"I'm so hungry," Ash groaned, lying on his back and staring up at the sun.

"That's not my fault," Misty snapped. "Just because you weren't smart enough to ration the food you packed doesn't mean I have to share with you."

"Misty … I'm going to die."

"Good riddance."

Ash pouted, rolling over to watch Misty happily dig into a small bag of chips. It was probably the last of her reserves too, but they'd be at the next town by the end of the day. He just wasn't sure he could _wait_ that long.

"Don't look at me like that." Misty threw a glance at him before focusing on her pack of chips again. "You're not getting any."

"But I'm so hungry! I'll do your laundry for a week!"

"Nothing doing! It's about time you learnt not to be such a pig!"

Ash wouldn't have said anything if Misty hadn't followed the statement up with pulling out a deliciously large chip, looking him dead in the eye, and popping it right in her mouth.

"Would you stop that?!"

"Stop what?"

"You know exactly what!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Misty!"

She rolled her eyes. "Look, if you want something to eat, why don't you cook for yourself? You've got ramen and some meat in your backpack."

"There's no way I'm gonna cook for myself!"

"Then would you rather I cook for you?"

Ash flinched. "No … I'm fine. I'll just get something to eat at the next island."

Misty went back to eating the rest of her chips and Ash turned away from her, trying to ignore her presence completely. But the wind was weak and the waves on the beach weren't being loud enough to mask her crunching. He let out a loud moan and covered his ears with his hands.

 _Stupid Misty,_ Ash thought grimly. Aren't all girls supposed to be able to cook? Sure, she didn't have anyone to teach her, but surely it wasn't something that was taught, right? He was pretty sure all girls were born knowing how to cook.

He snickered. Then again, Misty wasn't exactly a _girl._

"What are you laughing at?" Misty called out.

"Nothing," Ash replied quickly.

"You're such a freak."

"I'm not the one who can't cook!"

"Well at least I tried! That's more than you can say for yourself."

"Is not!" Ash quickly got to his feet and pointed at Misty. "I too can cook!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Then prove it!"

"Fine! I will!"

Fifteen minutes later, staring into a pot of water that somehow hadn't come to a boil in _two whole minutes_ , Ash started to think he needed to keep his big mouth shut.

"I too can cook," he muttered under his breath, "Stupid." Of course he couldn't cook. What was he thinking? He'd never truly paid attention when his mother tried to teach him before his journey, and he never bothered looking at what Brock was doing. He'd been left recipe books by both chefs, and right now he was looking at Brock's rice and curry, because he felt like rice and curry and he had a recipe book, so he'd be fine as long as he followed it, right?

Wrong. Waiting for the water to boil had given him enough to time take a real good look at the book, and it was much longer than he thought he was. They were only supposed to stop over at this island for an hour so Lapras could get some rest, but now it seemed like they'd be here a while longer.

"You should probably set the second pot up too."

Ash jumped out of his seat. He hadn't realised Misty was standing behind him – he was so lost in his thoughts he hadn't even noticed her presence. "A second pot?"

"For the curry." Misty had the recipe book in her hands, eyes moving as she skimmed the page. "Do you have all these vegetables chopped up?"

"Uh, no." Ash scratched his head. "I thought I'd do that when I get to the curry."

Misty frowned. "You'll never get this done on time if you don't learn how to multitask. We're supposed to get to Navel Island tonight, remember?" Ash opened his mouth to argue, but Misty beat him to it. "I'll go get some firewood. You can get started on those vegetables while the water's not yet boiling. It'll probably be a few more minutes."

"Uh … right." Ash wanted to say thank you, but she was gone before he could do anything. It was probably for the best. He'd rather not embarrass himself.

* * *

 _November 2_ _nd_ _, 2004_

Wilma was taking her time, but he'd expected it. He'd long learned not to underestimate her, but she was still old and took her time going about things. She'd comment once in a while about how much help Ash was; her joints weren't what they used to be and while she could still manage alone, having him around was much better. Ash had never expected to find himself caring for another person like this before – his mother maybe, but not for a very long time. But more and more in the past few years, Ash had found helping anyone and everyone he possibly could was the only thing that could keep him at peace.

He carefully cut the breast he was working on into thin slices and quickly threw them into the wok, where the oil was already hot. He spent the next few minutes alternating between slicing onions, shifting the chicken around so it cooked properly, and taking a quick look at Electivire. The pokémon had managed to fall into a mostly untroubled sleep, but there'd still be a few times Ash would have to run over and make sure he was comfortable. It was a precarious situation, with the stove on, but it wasn't the first time Ash had to balance doing so many things at once.

 _If only Misty could see me now,_ he thought, and he snorted. That ship had long sailed.

But he really, _really_ wished it hadn't.

When it was done, he spooned himself some rice and curry into a plate and put a lid on the wok and the saucepan he'd been using so the food stayed hot for when Wilma returned. It was already dark out; she should've been back by now. The old woman never even kept a phone on her that he could call in case of emergency.

He took his plate with him and sat down next to Electivire. His fever had lessened a little, but not nearly fast enough. The electricity was still building up inside of him, and until Wilma came back with some oran berries, there was nothing he could do about it. Ash considered going out to look for her, but he couldn't leave the electric-type alone in the cabin. That would've been stupid and impulsive, and he'd done plenty of damage being impulsive in the past.

"Alright, Electivire," Ash said, putting a gentle hand on the pokemon's arm, "It's time to take your medicine again."

"Electivire …" he groaned.

"C'mon, it's just a bit of syrup! It'll be over before you know it."

He finally coaxed the liquid between Electivire's lips and used a wet cloth wipe the excess off. And that was when the door burst open.

"Wilma!" Ash leapt to his feet, but not too quickly so as not to startle his patient. "You're finally back!"

"Where's Electivire?" an unfamiliar voice asked. Ash frowned and reached for his belt, only to find there weren't any pokéballs there.

"He's on the couch," Wilma's voice came through, and Ash heaved a sigh of relief when she walked into the door. But he froze as soon as he saw the two figures that followed after.

They both looked very different, but he recognised them anyway. Maybe it was the hair, or the eyes. Or in one case, lack thereof. It didn't matter; the way they were gaping at him, they clearly recognised him too.

"…Ash?"

He gulped. "Brock. And Gary."

* * *

 _July 1_ _st_ _, 1999_

"So according to this map, the island we're heading to is really famous for its giant pokémon."

Misty finally looked up at him, after about fifteen minutes of staring weirdly at the ocean. She'd been in a funny mood since they left Trovita Island – he thought she was happy enough when they were leaving, but once the island was out of sight, she got all … emotional, or something.

"Giant pokémon? Really?"

"Yeah." Ash spread the map out on his lap, beckoning her to come closer. "Apparently it's a lot of pidgey and rhyhorn. I wonder what that's about."

"It's probably in the guide." She shuffled through her bag and pulled out the little travel book Brock had bought just before leaving for the Orange Islands. They rarely ever thought to use it – they could barely read maps, let alone use a whole guide. "Here it is!" She pointed to a page in the book. "Apparently it's a special kind of fruit that grows on the island."

"Huh." Ash peered into the book with her. "That's pretty cool. Hey, if I fed them to my pokémon, do you think they could get real big too?"

Misty snorted. "No amount of giant pokémon is going to help _you_ become a better trainer."

"Hey!" Ash clenched his fists, but a small part of him was glad – Misty insulting him was better than her being mopey and quiet.

Misty snickered, shutting the book and putting it back in her bag. "I'm just being honest."

"I'm a _great_ trainer! I have three Orange League badges, and I beat Rudy all on my own!"

"Please," Misty scoffed, "You wouldn't have made it if I hadn't yelled at you, as usual."

"You yelling at me has nothing to do with anything. You're always yelling, 'cause you like to yell."

"I do not! You make me yell at you, 'cause you're so stupid!"

"I'm not stupid!"

As they kept going back and forth, Ash's heart swelled. He was happy that he'd managed to get her back to normal, because otherwise the ride on Lapras would've been far too awkward for him to handle. It wasn't like they'd never had to spend a trip in silence before; they'd often not talk to each other right after a big fight. But that was different – anger was certain and definite. Anger was something he could understand and something he could control. Confusion was not.

That's why he did it, he told himself. Not for Misty, but for himself. To make it more comfortable for himself. Definitely not for _her_.

"There! Look!" Misty said, grabbing onto Ash's shoulder and pulling herself forward. "Land!"

"Misty, that's not the island we're supposed to get to. We're ages away."

"I know, but I'm hungry! And it's getting dark."

Ash frowned. "We probably should've stayed the night in Trovita Island, huh?"

If Ash wasn't looking at her, he would've completely missed the wince that graced her face for about a nanosecond. "Maybe."

"What's the matter?" Ash continued in a teasing tone, "Got enough of Rudy already?"

"No … Rudy was nice." And just like that, she was upset again. Ash didn't even know if upset was the word, she just looked … like Not Misty.

"Hey," he tried again, nudging her on the shoulder so she would look at him, "What did Rudy mean when he said I was a lucky guy?"

Her face reddened instantly, so Ash assumed he'd angered her somehow and quickly shifted a few paces away.

"Y-y-you'll see someday," she finally said. Ash furrowed his brow.

"That's what Rudy said too. Why can't you just explain it to me?!"

"It's … complicated!"

"What's so complicated about it?"

Misty didn't respond, so Ash decided to risk it and move back next to her. "Is it because I won the Spike Shell badge?"

He still didn't receive a response, so he poked her shoulder. "Mistyyyy …"

"Alright!" She swat his hand away and hugged her knees to her chest. "Rudy … he asked me to stay on Trovita Island with him."

"Like … overnight?"

"No." Misty sighed. "Like … forever."

"Oh."

"But I chose to go with you instead. So that's why you're lucky, I guess. I'm with you and not with him."

Ash didn't know why, but his heart started beating really hard in his chest. Maybe there was danger nearby. Or maybe he'd developed some kind of sixth sense for wild pokémon. He didn't think about it too much.

"Did you want to stay with Rudy?" he asked.

She smiled weakly. "I wouldn't mind, I think. There are a lot of water pokémon around there. And Rudy and Mahri are really nice."

Ash snorted. "Rudy wasn't nice."

"He was nice to _me_." Misty shot him a hard glare. "And he could've been nice to you if you gave him the chance. You just couldn't handle not being the centre of attention for five seconds."

"That's not true! It was because you wouldn't …" he spluttered, "You weren't supporting me for my gym battle! You were making goo goo eyes at Rudy instead of cheering for me!"

"Cheering for you? I'm not your cheerleader, Ash!" She pushed away from him, making her way back to the other side of Lapras' back. "And besides," she yelled out, "Remember I'm only following you because you owe me a bike!"

"Is that all you care about?!"

The only response he'd received was silence. Even in the low light of the evening, Ash could see Misty's features pulled into a scowl. She was still sulking, but at least now he knew why.

And at least she was with _him_ , and not back on that island. He could admit that to himself; he didn't really want Misty to leave, at least not without warning. And definitely not with that creep, Rudy.

He wasn't about to admit that out loud, though.

* * *

 _November 2_ _nd_ _, 2004_

 _Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry_ , Ash repeated over and over in his head as Brock squeezed him hard. It didn't strike him just how long it had been since he'd seen the older man until he found that he only had to tilt his head slightly upwards for it to rest on Brock's shoulder. Gary, now kneeling next to Electivire, gave him a faint smile. He'd grown too.

"I was hoping I'd find you," Brock breathed.

Ash gulped. "What are you doing all the way in Sinnoh?"

"He's with me," Gary answered for Brock. "I'm doing some field research here, and Brock wanted to come along."

"Field research?" Ash pulled away from Brock a little. "Is that something to do with the Sinnoh League?"

Gary shook his head. "I stopped being a trainer a few years ago. I'm working in pokémon research now."

Ash took in his white lab coat – why had he only noticed that just now? "Stopped … being a trainer?"

Gary shrugged. "I tried for the Johto League. I made it to the top eight, but it wasn't my thing."

Ash blinked. Gary's actions were stiff, and Ash got the vibe that he didn't really want to talk to him all that much. Not that Ash blamed him – they weren't exactly on the best of terms the last time they'd met. He turned to Brock, who gave him a wider smile than Gary had earlier. "And you?"

"Well …" Brock scratched his temple. "I got into medicine, actually."

"Medicine …"

"Sort of. I help Professor Oak around whenever pokémon get ill, and it taught me a lot. I think being a doctor could be my calling."

"What about being a breeder?"

Brock shrugged. "Haven't thought about that in a while."

"He wants to go for med school too," Gary added, nonchalantly. "But he wanted to find _you_ first."

"You wanted to find me?" Ash breathed.

Brock nodded, and Ash couldn't help but stare, speechless. Brock had only travelled with him for a total of a year – they barely knew each other, all things considered. Sure, Ash had come to love and respect the older boy a lot over that time, to the point where Ash had developed a bond with him that he couldn't quite explain – _Brother,_ a small part of his brain reminded him – but it had still only been a year. And that was hardly anything, in the scheme of things.

He'd spent so long building up the idea that everyone he knew probably wanted nothing to do with him, after what he did. He couldn't fully compute that they'd actually missed him. That he was still having an impact on their lives after all this time.

"How about I make you boys some dinner?" Wilma interrupted. Ash had forgotten that she was standing there, and he immediately felt bad.

"No! Ah, I mean … I already made you dinner, but, er …" He eyed the two unexpected guests. "I can make more."

He didn't miss the surprised – alarmed? – looks that Brock and Gary swapped. He wasn't sure how they'd expected him not to be able to feed himself if he hadn't travelled with anyone else, but he tried not to let it get to him. He wasn't about to take what little faith they had in him for granted.

Ash had two more steaming hot plates of rice and curry ready much more quickly this time; he skipped the meat and stuck to filling it up with fresh vegetables instead.

"This is … actually pretty good, Ash," Brock complimented.

"It's your recipe." Ash took a seat opposite the two of them. The table was very small, and he felt a little uncomfortable sitting so close to them. Brock might've been acting like nothing had happened this entire time, but Gary was staring at his dinner like he wanted to kill it.

"Mine?"

"You left us that little book, remember?"

Brock raised his eyebrows. "I didn't think you guys would actually use that."

"Sometimes we would."

"I'm impressed." Brock rubbed his chin, which Ash now noticed was covered with a healthy stubble. "I was a little unsure how well you guys would fare on your own. And I never really got the opportunity to ask later on."

Ash broke eye contact with him. "Sorry," he mumbled.

He was startled by the clatter of a spoon dropped on a plate. " _Sorry?!_ " Gary asked, "You disappeared off the face of the planet for five years, and all you have to say is _sorry_?"

Ash was taken aback. "I didn't think anyone would care that much."

"Didn't think anyone would –" Gary spluttered, leaning back in his chair. "What in the world gave you that idea?"

"I –"

"We thought you were _dead_."

Ash swallowed down a mix of phlegm and saliva. He didn't know what to say. He almost was dead, at many points of his life. Some of those times he wished he'd just gone through with it.

 _Don't cry,_ he told himself again, _Please don't cry._

"Did you even think about Delia?" Gary continued, making it much harder to Ash to keep his cool. "Did you even think about how much you hurt her when you just up and ran away?"

"That's enough, Gary," Brock said firmly. Good thing too – Ash wasn't sure how much more he could take.

Although he deserved all of it. He knew that.

Brock turned his stern gaze onto him, and Ash felt like a Stantler in the spotlight. "Gary might've been harsh but he makes a good point. What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't," Ash replied. That question he could answer confidently. That question he'd answered over and over in his head for the past five years. "I don't think. I never think." He bit his lip. "M-Misty always said that. Over and over again. One time I jumped right in front of a Rhyhorn." He pushed his chair back so he could pull his knees to his chest, an uncomfortable position on the small wooden seat he was sitting in, but it made him feel safer almost. "I don't know, I guess I was trying to impress her … or something. And she said I didn't think."

"Ash …"

"If I was thinking maybe she wouldn't have …" Ash took a deep breath. Exhaled slowly.

"You ran away 'cause your girlfriend died?"

"Gary," Brock hissed. He reached over the table and put a gentle hand on Ash's knee. "Ash, it's not your fault."

"It is," Ash started, but Brock shushed him.

"It's _not_. You had to save the world. Who knows what would've happened if you didn't? Half the regions would've disappeared under water by now."

"But if I hadn't gone and tried to be a hero in the first place –"

Gary shook his head. "Gramps is convinced you were some kind of Chosen One. And if that's the case, I don't think it could've been done by anyone else."

That's what the slowking had said too. That's what the rational part of Ash's brain had reminded him over and over again, but he had gotten very good at ignoring it.

"But Misty's still dead." Brock and Gary quickly looked away, giving Ash a change to wipe a stray tear from his cheek. "If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't be dead. If she hadn't tried to save me …"

"What else was she supposed to do?" Brock asked, exasperated.

"Just waited for me to save myself!"

"Do you know how stupid that sounds?" Gary snapped.

Ash near growled, running a hand through his hair. "Just leave me alone."

He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, and he had a sudden flashback to a moment long ago, when he was sitting just like this on a beach in Johto. It had been James, back then. He'd unfairly lashed out at the trio after they'd done so much to help him in Shamouti, and they'd still given him their comfort. And it was the same thing now; he'd run away from Brock and Gary, shunned them, dismissed any care they had for him – and somehow they were still _here_.

"Ash," Brock said quietly, "If Misty had been the Chosen One instead of you, and she'd gotten herself in danger, what would you have done?"

"Saved her," he replied. He hugged his legs closer to him and buried his face into his knees.

"She really cared about you, Ash," he heard Gary say. "She wouldn't have done any of that if she didn't."

"I know." Ash's voice was muffled from behind his legs, so he lifted his face up a little. "I liked her. A lot. Like … more than a friend a lot. I might've even loved her." He looked up to see both Gary and Brock with an eyebrow raised. "I was alone a lot, so I had to think about it."

"Never thought I'd see the day," Brock grinned. "I'm proud of ya."

"Eh," Gary scrunched up his nose. "Timing could be better."

Ash snorted.

* * *

 _July 17_ _th_ _, 1999_

Ash had no idea how he ended up out of the water or how long it had been since he passed out. A woman was calling his name over and over again – he assumed she was the one who rescued him – but all he could concentrate on now was the weight of the blue orb in his pocket.

"Where am I?" he asked. "Where's the shrine?"

"It's just another island down," the woman replied. "But –"

"Come on out, Lapras!" Ash called out, sending out the transport pokémon into the freezing water. It was cold, he knew, but he had to get to the shrine fast and he definitely couldn't swim in that kind of current. "Come on, Pikachu."

Melody was there to greet them at the shrine, a concerned look on her face. "Where's –"

"The sphere," Ash finished for her. He fished it out for her to see. "It's here. I gotta go."

He struggled up the stone steps, his joints snap frozen. At times he felt arms or a pair of paws hold him up, and he was grateful, but he didn't have the time to thank them or even acknowledge them as he attempted to run of the stairs. Thankfully he started shaking it off the more he moved, and he managed a short burst of speed the rest of the way.

The rest of the process was a blur. Everything turned into a sea of green as Melody played her flute. She looked still looked worried, though Ash didn't know why. He'd got the last sphere and put it where it should be, and as long as she kept playing that flute everything would be alright, right? They'd practically saved the world now.

Things started to process more clearly, however, when he ended his joyride from Lugia. As soon as the legendary had taken off, Ash got the feeling that something was … wrong.

Melody had disappeared, for one. He had no idea where she'd gotten off to while he was flying around the sky. But his main clue was that _no one else was around_.

"Guys?" Ash asked. "Misty? Melody?"

"Ash! Ash!"

That wasn't Melody or Misty. He looked around to see his mother sliding down a slope of dirt. "Mom?"

She ran until she came to a stop right in front of him, hands on her hips as she tried to catch her breath. "Alright! Start talking, young mister!"

They heard a thump, and both swivelled around to find Melody fallen down on the stairs.

"Melody!" Ash exclaimed, running to help, only to find the woman from earlier and another body on the ground with her. "Misty?"

"I tried to tell you," the woman gasped, "But you weren't listening to me."

Ash knelt down next to Misty, reaching out to touch her shoulder. He jumped when he touched it – it was ice cold. "How long has she been asleep?"

He didn't get an immediate response, so he looked up at Melody questioning. She was staring at the ground in front of her. "She's not asleep."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, Ash," Delia said. He saw her look away and cover her mouth with a fist, just like she always did when she saw some tragedy on the news, but Ash was still confused.

"What do you mean?" he asked again, "And why is she cold?"

Professor Oak finally made his way over, and Melody moved out of the way to make room for him. He pressed a thumb against Misty's wrist, and closed his eyes. "No pulse. How long has she been out?"

"I don't know," Melody whispered lowly. "Maybe a little less than Ash has."

"She washed up unconscious," the woman added. "They both did, but I tried to wake Ash first, since we needed him for –"

"Which island?" Oak prompted. The woman pointed out to a small little isle all the way back near Shamouti Island itself. "That's a long way," he breathed.

"And Ash fell down not too far from here," Melody pointed out. "The storm must've pulled them further out than intended."

"What was Misty doing in the water?" Ash asked, but he was ignored as Professor Oak kept asking more questions.

"Have you tried CPR?"

The woman nodded. "After the Chosen One had left, but I think it was useless by that point."

Professor Oak had two fingers on Misty's neck now, and he was shaking his head. "It's been too long. She's –"

"HEY!" Ash stood up, fists clenched. "Can someone tell me what's going on here?! Why's Misty so cold? And when's she going to wake up?"

"Pikapi," a weak voice called, and Ash's attention was finally drawn to the rodent pokémon at his feet. The sadness in Pikachu's eyes …

"She's not waking up, Ash," his mother said quietly, confirming Ash's worst fears.

"What?" he whispered. "Wh-why … how –"

"You fell off of Lugia's back," Melody explained. "She tried to save you, but I guess you guys got swept off by the current."

"But I don't understand …" Ash mumbled. "She's a good swimmer."

"I think that storm was a little too strong for even the best of swimmers, Ash," Professor Oak uttered lowly.

Ash grabbed for Pikachu and hugged him close to his chest, and after that he switched off completely. He didn't register his mother hugging him, or the sympathetic looks from everyone else. He didn't register getting on a boat back to Shamouti Island, getting thanked by the locals with his own personal suite for the night.

What he did remember was thinking one thing: this was all his fault.

It was how he rationalised slinking out of bed in the middle of the night and rummaging through his bag, silently placing three out of his six pokéballs out onto the bed. He hesitated before pulling out a fourth.

Pikachu was sleeping soundly next to where he used to be. The poor thing was exhausted from the day's events, and he'd passed out cold. He was alive, though. Still breathing.

He looked at the pokéball in his hand. It had a small lightning bolt on it. He didn't dwell too long, however, and started to try yanking it open. He knew from childhood it was easier to do when the pokéball wasn't enlarged, and he'd snapped it in two after a minute's struggle.

"I'm sorry buddy," he whispered. He was doing it for Pikachu's good, Ash told himself. He'd only endanger the pokémon if he took him with him, and he couldn't stand to lose Pikachu too.

* * *

 _November 3_ _rd_ _, 2004_

"You sure you've got enough supplies?" Wilma asked, tilting her head. "The trip to Canalave City isn't a walk in the park, you know."

"I know," Ash grinned. "I'll be fine. I made it all the way here on my own, didn't I?"

"Barely."

Ash laughed nervously. "Forget I asked then."

Wilma hummed, wandering over to take a seat next to Ash's bag on his bed. "This'll be good for you."

"Hmm?"

"Going home." Wilma gestured to his backpack. "Moving on."

"Oh." Ash looked down. "I guess so." He paused. "I miss my mom."

"I'm sure she misses you too," Wilma nodded. She paused. "I think this is what she'd have wanted you to do, too."

Ash furrowed his eyebrows at her, but she only smiled. "You know, that girl you loved?"

Ash's eyes widened. "How did you –?"

"I was listening last night," Wilma confessed. "I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it. You're a bit of a mystery."

"Me?" Ash chuckled. "No way! My mom always said people could read me like an open book."

"Oh, I could always tell what you were feeling. But I never knew _why_. You always kept quite mum about that."

"Sorry. I would've said something but I didn't think –"

Wilma silenced him by placing her hand on his. "You didn't need to tell me anything. And you still don't." She gave him a firm look. "But perhaps you should talk to the people who ought to know what's been happening with you."

Ash hesitated. "It's just … it's a little confusing. She died five years ago, and I still can't … I'm not …"

"You haven't had the opportunity to open up to anyone about this, so it's only natural you're still holding onto it."

He slumped. It was true. Misty's death was terrible – it was one of the worst things he'd ever had to deal with. Losing his friendship with Gary and losing the Indigo League didn't hold a candle to losing her. He'd formed a kind of bond with her that he never had with anyone else, and she'd stayed with him like no one else had. Sure, they fought all the time, but she was the only person that he'd trusted to stick around.

But worse than even that was forcing himself to deal with it on his own. The constant self-talk that he'd effectively murdered Misty, his mother didn't want him, and everything was his fault. And the loneliness that came with that.

"I'll never meet anyone like her," he finally declared. "I don't think I could ever … I don't think anyone else could …"

Wilma shrugged. "Maybe you will, maybe you won't. You'll never know unless you try, will you?"

Ash was still reluctant, so Wilma tried again: "What would she tell you to do?"

He grinned. "She'd probably tell me to get over it."

Wilma smiled brightly. "I think I'd have liked her a lot."

Ash was about to respond when Brock peeked into the room. "Are you ready yet?

"Yep! All set!" Ash was about to sling his backpack over his shoulder when he froze. "Wait!" He dug through the bag and pulled out a pokéball. "Do you think we could go west? I have a friend waiting for me in the forest."

"Sure, but it better not take too long." Brock placed his hands on his hips. "You have a lot more friends waiting for you at home."

Ash nodded. "Alright, let's go!"

Gary was already out the door, tapping his foot and peering into his wristwatch. "Late as usual, Ashy-boy."

"At least we're leaving at the same time for once," Ash retorted. Wilma hobbled out to the doorway, and Ash leaned down to give her a tight hug.

"Stay safe," she murmured in his ear.

"I will," he replied. He squeezed her arm as he pulled away and walked the few steps to where Brock and Gary were standing.

"And remember to come visit when you're competing in the Sinnoh League!"

"Of course!"

"The Sinnoh League?" Brock asked. "You're going to train again?"

"Maybe," Ash mused. "I haven't ruled it out."

"Hey, if you're competing then maybe I can get back into it too." Gary nudged him in the shoulder. "I'll beat you to a pulp, just like old times."

Ash smirked. "I don't know, Wilma said I was pretty good with pokémon, and she teaches dragon-types for a living."

"Speaking of pokémon." Brock held out a small sphere and dropped it in Ash's hand. It was a pokéball with a lightning bolt sticker on it.

"Is this what I think it is?"

"Nah. It's unused. I bought it a few years ago for in case I ever ran into you. You'll need it for when you recapture Pikachu."

"So he's …"

"At home with your mom. And the lab, sometimes." Gary tapped at the lightning bolt. "The sticker was my idea."

"I forgot all about the lightning bolt," Brock admitted. "I barely saw the thing."

Ash looked back and forth between his two friends, feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude towards them. He still didn't think he deserved their friendship, but now he was finally going to accept it.

"Thank you. Thank you, both of you."

* * *

 _July 16_ _th_ _, 1999_

Ash sneaked into the small infirmary and quickly made his way to the bed right at the end. That was where they were keeping Misty – they didn't feel it was right to have a dead person among their celebrations.

It was easy for them to ignore, maybe. She'd been hanging over Ash's conscience all night.

With timid fingers, he pulled the sheet over her body down just enough to see her face. He half expected – or rather, hoped – that she'd be staring back up at him with a grin on her face. That someone would pop out one of the staffroom doors with a camera and tell him he just got punked.

It didn't happen. Misty's eyed were closed, and try as he might, he couldn't hear her breathing.

He fumbled under the sheets until he found her hand and laced his fingers through hers. Her hand was a dead weight and cold to the touch. He thought it would make him feel better, but it didn't.

She died not even knowing that he liked her. She died not even knowing that Ash considered her a friend. Maybe even his best friend. Or something else that he didn't quite have a word for.

"I'm sorry," he croaked out, squeezing her hand till he felt her bones shift around under his grip. "Thank you. I'm so sorry."

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any questions about this fic, feel free to message my on my writing blog on tumblr, @crywonder! I got a little carried away with the world-building in this one.  
> And like I said, Tracey is important! ;)


End file.
